My last tumblr post read:

“Two Maras

In my very beginning, a path unfolded before me. As I began to walk this path, step by step, new sections continued to unfold. I can still see as they do, the newly set path is never too far away.

At some early point, a path branched off. It was not a fork, a little path branched off the main one. For a while, the two paths went parallel. Bit by bit, sometimes more, sometimes less, the other path led further away.

When my mind was filled with pure pain just recently, I was able to look down upon myself as if I were a bird in the sky. And what I saw hurt me right at my core and nearly tore me apart. Only now I saw how far away the other path is. So distant, in fact, that I can hardly see it anymore from my original path. And on that other path, I saw another Mara. All this time, I walked with that other Mara. Each step, we took together.

It became clear to me that sometimes I was this Mara, and sometimes the other. But since the paths were so distant from each other, I cannot be both of them.

It became clear to me, looking down from above, that the Mara on the branched off path, maybe sooner, maybe later, will fall into an abyss. And when she does, she will drag the other Mara with her. Both will fall into the darkness, from which they will not be able to crawl out of. The one Mara will take everything away from the other. All, she holds dear and everyone she loves. And what hurts the most, it became so very clear to me, that the people I love would despise me, would they be able to see the other Mara on that path leading to the abyss as I do from above. I can hardly bear that realization.

I, therefore, made a decision. I decided I want to be the Mara on the original path. And I want the Mara on the other path to stop walking, sit down on a bench and stay right there. I want to hug her and tell her it is alright. After all, she did not decide to take this path, she just happened to walk it. And I would like to think she was pushed down this path by something or someone. I want to ask the other Mara to please stop and sit down. Please, do it for the both of us. Please, Mara. Please listen to me.

I am now back on the original path. I have stumbled, fallen and badly hurt myself. But I managed to get back on my feet, and maybe I have already made my first step. I look over to the distant other path. There, I can see the other Mara. She really sits on a bench, and looks over to me. She even waves at me, and maybe she is smiling.

I want to walk on. Alone. On this path, not also on the other. I hope that with each step, the pain will subside a little more. And in years to come, I so much wish to look back and see that it was good. That the other Mara still happily sits on her bench. Please, keep sitting there. I beg you. Please, do it for us both.“

I know, I said that if I would ever post anything again there then I will have failed. Hah! How wrong I was. The Mara, who sat down on the bench and who I wanted to remain there forever ... well, she still exists. But she no longer sits there. I have waived back to her, I have beckoned her to catch up and join me. And - whoa, I am heavily tearing up now - so we walk on together now, side by side.

I was wrong, yes. I was wrong to think that I could subtract or deny a part of myself. The other Mara and me, we are unity. Together, we form the real Mara, whoever that might be.

There still are dark corners in my mind. Some pitch black. And still, something with red, glowing eyes is lurking there. But now I know, what, or who, that is. It is myself. It always has been.

I have managed to lighten quite some portions of the darkness in my mind. That is wonderful. I have changed a lot in the past years. I have managed to love myself, I feel compassion for myself and embrace my kinks, faults and shortcomings. I still have a long way to go, but now I walk together with the other Mara, with everything that defines me.

Glad, I am still here.

Cheers Mara