An Homage to a Friend (18+; beware of deviant kinks)
I've written this little story quick n' dirty in like two hours or so. It was inspired by a confession of a wonderful friend, coming from deep within, reflecting a desire which - alas - can never be fulfilled. I'm not saying more in order not to embarrass him/her; maybe he/her would like to add something himself/herself in the comments below.
While writing this in my office, neglecting my job duties, I had my little pleasure giver in me. Not one like in the story, a proper one, gently moving, rubbing and vibrating. And, while alone in my personal office room, I managed to come about 2/3 into the story. That was intense.
I thought about whether I should post this here. Whether to keep this site "clean". But hey, what the fuck. This story represents my kinks and desires, and as my friends' confession it comes from deep within. If you feel offended by it in any way that's solely your problem.
If you are sexually aroused by pain, bondage, submission and devotion, cum and piss, you might want to read on. If not, mow the lawn, recite Hegel or insult a racist. Whatever.
PS: I find writing sex stories quite difficult, to be honest. I mean unlike sex scenes, whole sex stories need to be so detailed and descriptive. It's hard not to let them become blunt descriptions of physical action. Anyway. The following story is not the best in terms of style, but the content is fucking awesome.
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The smoke in the car began to seriously obstruct her vision. But for some reason she didn’t want to open the window or get out of the car and smoke on the sidewalk. Sometimes it felt right to act irrationally. She tensed her thighs, wearing the black pantsuit she liked so much, which caused a nice sensation at her pleasure button. Oh, sweet, sweet anticipation. It’s been eight weeks. Way too long. She resisted an urge to touch herself. Patience, Mara, she thought. Soon, so very soon.
Mara took a deep drag and exhaled through her nose. She let her fingers run through her messy short hair and checked it in the rear mirror. She bit her lower lip trying to look as sexy as Rebecca Ferguson and had to smile. Almost, but certainly good enough.
Finally, she got out of the car, threw away the cigarette butt and immediately lit another cig, walking over to Done Ya! Zat!, an exclusive club located in one of the darker corners of Vienna. What a silly name, Mara thought, as every time she came here. But service and discretion were exceptional, even though the place looked like a dump. Half of the neon letters were broken, graffiti everywhere and the doorman had his front teeth missing.
“Servus.” he said to Mara and let her in.
Normally she wouldn’t dream about even coming close to a place like this, let alone requesting the services on anyone doing business in such a shithole. And if it hadn’t been for Beebee, Mara would in fact never have come here.
A trans woman wearing something which could hardly be called a dress, licked her lips as Mara passed her in the hallway.
“Na, Schatzi? Lust auf Blasen?” she said, rubbing her crotch.
“Thanks, darling. Maybe next time.” Mara said, even though the thought of folding her lips around the glans of a stiff penis was exciting. But she wasn’t here to swallow.
The hookers here didn’t have a Peitscherlbua, which is what the Viennese call a pimp (and only the Viennese could pronounce properly). Somehow, they managed to organize themselves peacefully and – at least more or less so – keep the place in order and stay out of trouble. In a way, it could be described as some kind of sex commune.
Excited moaning could be heard through one of the doors Mara passed by. Oh, sweet mother of God, it will be wonderful, she thought to herself as she took a drag from her cigarette. She had to go upstairs, up to the mezzanine floor. In fact, it was the second floor, but here in Vienna things were different, even the floor counting.
There it was, room Maria Theresia. Mara too another drag and entered without knocking. Nothing had changed. There still were the red satin wallpapers, the golden chandelier and the queen-sized bed with golden satin covers. And there, on the old chair with a red satin seat cover, sat Beebee with her legs crossed. She was wearing a red dress, a nuance darker than the wallpapers.
“I missed you, cunt.” Mara said, exhaling the cigarette smoke through her nose.
Beebee stood up and brushed away a strain of hair, which had fallen into her face.
“I’m excited to see you, Mara.”
“Of course you are.”
Mara shut the door and took a long slow drag from the cigarette, her gaze locked with Beebee’s. The ash at the tip was about to fall off. Only with an effort, Beebee kept her eyes on Mara and held back.
Finally, Mara said: “Give me an ashtray.”
“Yes, Mara.”
Beebee rushed to hold out a silver ashtray and Mara tipped the ash into it. Of course, she would have liked Mara to tip the hot ashes unto the palm of her hand, but she would never dare say so.
What a cutie Beebee was. So pretty and classy. And what a cunt. So lovingly submissive. Her real name was Berta. And since Berta was quite a bitch, her nickname became Beebee, which was short for Bitch Berta, well sort of. Whatever, nicknames rarely made sense.
Mara sat down on the bed and crossed her legs.
“My shoes aren’t gonna take themselves off.” she said.
Beebee got down on her knees before Mara, untied the shoelaces of the shiny black leather shoes, and gently touched Mara at the ankle. How sweet it felt as Beebee slipped the shoe from her foot. Mara noticed that Beebee had to restrain herself not to caress her feet. She took off the other shoe and then cast an expectant look at Mara, still kneeling on the floor.
Mara took a drag, bent forward and kissed Beebee, exhaling the smoke into her mouth. Beebee inhaled it, and then slowly let it out again. Oh, sweet goddess! How wonderful! Mara thought, grabbed Beebee's hand and put the cigarette butt out in it. Slowly, with only little pressure. Beebee winced only slightly.
“Thank you.” she sighed, almost moaned.
Mara took off her jacket and threw it on the chair.
“Why the hell are you still dressed?” she said.
“I’m sorry! I’ll take off my-”
“Shut up and get naked.”
Beebee slipped out of her heels and let her dress drop to the ground. There she was, so beautiful and tender. No underwear, except for that pair of thigh-highs with the perfect nude tone which made her legs look softly powdered. Mara let her gaze wander over her perfect breasts, around her slender hips and to her vulva. It would taste so good. As always. But it was too soon.
“Take off my shirt.” Mara said.
With measured pace, Beebee unbuttoned Mara’s white tailored shirt, careful not to touch her breasts. Beebee’s gently fingers at her breasts, that would be a wonderful sensation for both. But without the respective order Beebee would never do that. With great care, she hung the shirt over the chair’s backrest. Then she carefully hung Mara’s jacket, which had landed on the chair’s seat, over the shirt.
“And now my bra.” Mara said.
As Beebee reached behind Mara to open the white laced bra, their lips came alluringly close.
“Get on your knees.” Mara said, “And put your hands behind your back.”
She positioned herself closely in front of the kneeling Beebee, unbuttoned her pants and open the zipper.
“Don’t look me in the eyes. Look straight ahead. Yes, good girl.” Mara said and slowly pulled down her pants to finally flick them in the corner with her foot.
“You know what I want you to do, don’t you?” Mara said.
Beebee nodded, looking at Mara’s white laced panties.
“Yes, you do know, sweetie.” Mara said, letting her fingers run through Beebee’s hair. “I drank like a fucking gallon before coming here.”
But it was too soon. This needed to be played out slowly. Every moment should stretch out into fiery longing.
“Take off my panties.”
Even more careful as before, Beebee gently touched the panties at the sides and slipped them down until Mara stepped out of them.
“Touch me.” Mara said, “Touch me everywhere, but not at my pussy.”
Beebee tenderly let her hands fold over Mara’s ankles and let them run up her shins, around her knees and up the thighs. Mara closed her eyes. Finally, after eight long weeks, she felt Beebee again. Her caress was pure bliss. Her fingers softly circling over Mara’s belly and down to her pussy, only to divert over to the hips and down the thighs. And then Mara had to inhale sharply as Beebee stroked the insides of her thighs. She moaned as Beebee’s gentle hands slowly, so very slowly, moved up and up.
Mara had to sit down at the edge of the bed. This was too good. Of course, it was. Beebee was a goddess. And such a cunt.
Mara gestured Beebee to sit down on her hips. As their pussies came so close to each other, just barely touching, a current of excitement thundered through Mara. Beebee began to softly knead Mara’s breasts, let her fingers run over the areolas. Mara pulled her closer and Beebee understood. The tip of her tongue was so warm and tender. She sucked the nipple so perfectly. And what a nice bite, just right. Beebee’s hair smelled like spring. And how it caressed Mara’s skin as it brushed over her neck and breasts.
“Oh, you fucking cunt.” Mara moaned and tightened her thighs to apply blissful pleasure to her clit. It was nothing compared to what was to come.
She had met Beebee some years ago on a business trip to Vienna. They had met in one of the old Cafés Vienna was famous for, the Prückel. Mara had asked the waiter what kind of cake he could recommend, upon which he had begun reeling off cake names with such speed and obscurity, Mara had wondered if he had been making them up. The woman at the next table had jumped in and ordered a Sachertorte mit Schlag for Mara, and a Verlängerten. Content, the waiter had vanished, and Mara had thanked the woman, who had introduced herself as Berta. With a smile she had explained to Mara that she had just ordered a chocolate cake with a punch and an extended one. This had been the start of a wonderful afternoon which had turned into a lustful evening. In real life, Berta was a writer and publisher. Being a submissive slut was her kink. And she was so extremely good at it.
Beebee began to rub herself against Mara’s hips. They were both so moist already. Mara pushed Beebee away. Too soon for aiming at the sweet spot.
“Where are the satin bands?”
Beebee’s eyes lit up. She rushed to the drawers and fetched three black satin bands. They were soft and silky. And tight enough, much more so than stockings which stretched too much.
Mara took one of the satin bands and locked her gaze at Beebee. Both knew what was to come, but Mara wouldn’t give the order. Finally, Beebee said: “Please, tie my hands.”
Mara continued to look at her, enjoying the silky touch of the satin bands resting in her hand.
“I will put them at my back. Please tie them up.” Beebee begged, and turned around, placing her wrists together at her back. As Mara tied them, Beebee suppressed a moan.
Beebee got down on her knees again.
“Stand up!” Mara ordered.
She grabbed another satin band and let then end of it play around Beebee’s wonderful breasts. Then she put the band around Beebee’s neck, almost like a noose, and held the ends together with her hand.
“Now you can go down on your knees.” Mara said, “Slowly. Don’t dare getting up again, not even an inch, until your knees touch the ground.”
“Yes. Thank you.” Beebee whispered.
As she slowly bent her knees, the satin band around her neck tightened. Her pretty neck got choked more and more, Beebee visible enjoying the prospect of finally strangling herself. As her right knee almost touched the ground, her left leg supporting most of her body weight, Mara slowly moved the satin band down and released the pressure.
“I’ll tighten that around your pretty neck again. But later.” Mara said.
It would be so wonderful to hang her. To tie her up on a stool, hands and feet, have her stand on her tiptoes and then pull the stool out from under her. She would twitch so beautifully. For a couple of minutes. Then she would be gone. Mara bit her lip and swiped the thought to the side. Maybe someday.
“Now ... Well, I said I drank a gallon, didn’t I?” Mara said.
Beebee nodded in excited anticipation. Again, Mara waited silently.
“Please, let me drink your piss.” Beebee finally begged.
“I don’t know. I’d rather go to the bathroom.”
“No, please. I want to drink it. I want to taste you.”
“Well, I don’t know. You don’t seem ready to.”
“Oh, I am ready. I really want to drink your piss.”
“No, you’re not ready.” Mara said, left the satin band hang loosely around Beebee’s neck and walked over to her jacket at the chair. From the outer pocket she fetched a little appliance. As Mara slowly came back the few paces, Beebee’s eyes lit up more and more, as she was realizing what Mara held in her hand.
“Spread your legs a bit. And move your sweet little ass up a tad ... There you go, cunt. Fits perfectly.” Mara said as she slid the short and slim dildo into Beebee’s pussy, which was so wet it went in smoothly. Beebee moaned and tensed her muscles to feel it inside her.
“Stay still.” Mara said, “Now you’re ready. Well, not quite.”
She fetched her phone from the other jacket pocket.
“I guess you realize that I can remote control the dildo, right?” Mara said, caressing Beebee’s cheek, “But it ain’t gonna vibrate, cunt.”
For a moment, disappointment swept over Beebee's face like a passing cloud. Then she realized that the remote would do something and her features turned into lustful expectation. As Mara saw the change in Beebee's sweet, sweet face, she turned the device on. First level. Beebee twitched and tensed her muscles.
“Painful, isn’t it?” Mara said, “This is a little pleasure giver. Well, for me it is. For you, it’s a pain giver. The higher I turn it up, the more pain you’ll feel.”
Mara imagined inserting a glowing iron rod into Beebee’s pussy. Hearing the hiss as the flesh burned, seeing the smoke and seeing the pain in her eyes. Oh, how wonderful it would be. Her being tied up and submitting to this moment of dark pain. Then she turned to level two and a choked cry of pain escaped Beebee’s lips.
“Shut up.” Mara said, “This goes up to level ten, cunt. Are you trying to tell me you don’t want me to go higher up?”
“No, Mara. I’m sorry. This is fine.”
“Is it? You don’t seem to enjoy it all too much. I guess I turn it off again.” said Mara and did so.
“No, don’t! Please turn it on again!”
Mara ran her fingers through Beebee’s her, almost clawing her.
“Please, turn it on again! Level three, Mara. Please, level three!”
Mara turned it on at level five, which made Beebee wince and clench her teeth. Quite impressive, how much pain such a small battery can inflict.
“Listen, cunt.” Mara said and placed her right foot on the bed to expose her crotch “You will now put your lips over my piss hole. Don’t lick, don’t even think about moving your tongue. Don’t touch anything, just put your lips around my piss hole. And then don’t waste a single drop. If you do, I will shut the dildo off and leave. You understand, cunt?”
“Yes! Thank you, Mara!”
“Do you like the pain?”
“Yes!”
“Do you enjoy the electric current, as it spreads out from your wet pussy into your body?”
“Yes! It is wonderful!”
“Do you want to drink my piss? Drink it up, all of it?”
“Yes, please! Let me drink your piss!”
Beebee moved closer on her knees, with her hands tied behind her back, eager not to let the dildo slip out of her pussy. Carefully, as she was told, she put her lips around Mara’s piss hole and expectantly looked up to her. Mara had to swallow herself and imagined drinking Beebee’s piss. It would taste so wonderful. And now letting, making, Beebee drink all of her piss will be wonderful as well. Mara relaxed. She had to piss real bad, but as always, it wasn’t so easy to relieve oneself into someone’s mouth. There it came. Mara couldn’t see it, because Beebee was pressing her lips around her pussy, but she felt the warm golden liquid streaming out of her, directly into Beebee’s mouth.
Beebee swallowed. A rush of excitement ran through Mara. Again, Beebee swallowed. She had to, to keep up with the constant stream of urine. Every gulp felt so good, so right, so wonderful. Drink my piss, my wonderful Beebee. Please drink it, swallow all of it. Some drops ran down Mara’s thighs, but it was okay. Beebee was so beautiful, kneeling with her hands tied, and with the pain spreading through her pussy, swallowing and swallowing.
Mara wanted to piss and endless current, but she had no more to give. Still, Beebee’s lips were around her pussy. And still, the satin band was hanging loosely around Beebee’s neck. Her pretty neck, which could be so wonderfully choked. Mara increased the dildo’s level to six, took the ends of the satin band and began to slowly tighten it.
“Don’t move.” Mara moaned as Beebee’s neck visibly tightened. This felt so good. This was so right.
Mara sat down on the edge of the bed again. This would be better in a sitting position. She spread her legs and pulled Beebee’s head towards her pussy.
“Fuck me with your tongue.” Mara said. “Fuck me, don’t lick me.”
As she felt Beebee’s tongue inside her pussy, Mara closed her eyes and tilted her head back in pleasure. Beebee pulled the tongue out and put it in again. In and out. Oh, hell, this is wonderful! Mara opened her eyes again and bent over a little. She wanted to see it. She wanted to see, as she began to choke Beebee again. Tighten her pretty neck. Strangle her. Take her breath away, as she was taking Mara’s breath away.
Mara felt her tension rising. This was too fast. Way too fast. But no way to stop now.
“Lick me!” Mara screamed.
And Beebee let her tongue play around Mara's clit. Gently bit into it. Licked the pussy lips sideways and vertically and in all ways around. Put her tongue into the pussy. Sucked at the pleasure button, licked it, bit it. Oh, holy mother of God!
Mara felt an explosion building up inside her. Everything turned red and started to glow. Her body twitched and her thighs hardened, as she let out a choked cry and convulsed half over Beebee, who continued to lick and caress Mara’s sweet spot, prolonging the bliss.
When it finally faded and her body came to a rest again, Mara realized that Beebee could hardly breath anymore. She loosened the band and let it hang loosely around her neck again. Beebee gasped for air, while wincing under the dildo’s electric shocks. Mara sat there, feeling the wet linen underneath her, and watched as the pain shot through Beebee. So wonderful, so right.
“I would so much love to hang you, cunt.” Mara said, “Hang you by your neck and watch you twitch and kick until you’re done. Would you like that?”
Beebee looked up, hearing this snuff fantasy for the first time from Mara.
“I ... I guess so.” she said.
“Well, maybe you really mean it.” Mara said and rubbed her pussy, knowing that Beebee said this just to please her, but not really meant it.
Mara wasn’t spent yet. Far from it. Let Beebee finger her? Massage her breasts? Let her fuck her with a strap-on? All of that would be hot. But another idea popped up in Mara’s mind.
“Get on the bed.” she said, standing up, “Lay down ... put your feet together ... yes, like this.”
Mara tied Beebee’s feet with the third satin band.
“I want you to feel pain. Sweet, sweet pain. Can you do that for me?”
“Of course, Mara.”
“Good, my sweet little cunt.” Mara said, and kissed Beebee on the mouth, letting her tongue slide into her. Then she turned the dildo to level seven.
Beebee could hardly lie still, despite both her hands and feet being tied. The electric shocks were too intense. And her face now turned into a mask of pain. Good. So very excellent.
Mara stroked Beebee’s hair, her breasts and the insides of her thighs.
“It’s so wonderful, seeing you experience that enormous pain. In your pussy. And in your whole body. Feel it and enjoy it. This is so wonderful.” Mara almost moaned.
Then she tightened the band around Beebee’s neck again. Visibly tightening it, knotting it tight, while allowing her to get enough air.
“I would so much love to tighten it more, cunt.” Mara said, rubbing herself, “Tighten it so much that you can hardly get any air into your lungs. There, underneath your beautiful breasts. Your lungs would gasp for air, but too little would get into them. I’d so much love to see you lying there, all tied up, with that satin band tied around your neck, fixed in place with a knot. See you twitch and struggle. Until finally your body will relax. Slowly, very slowly your body will relax from the cramped struggle to peacuful motionlessness. And then it will be truly beautiful.”
Beebee looked at Mara through bewildered eyes.
“Don’t worry, cunt.” Mara said, kissing Beebee again, “Not gonna snuff you. Not here, leaving evidence all around. Would only do that when you consent. And then we’d find a way. Now ... Well, now I’m gonna leave you lying here. Leaving you to your pain.”
Mara stood up, looked at Beebee for a long moment, rubbing herself, and then left the room, naked. She went downstairs. And luckily, that trans woman wearing the red whatever was still there in the hallway. As Mara approached her, she let her gaze wander over Mara’s naked body.
“Schatzilein! Na, schau her.” she said.
“I’d love you to put your dick into my mouth.” Mara said, gently grabbing her by the crotch and feeling her dick already getting stiff, “And then I’d love to swallow it all.”
For a moment, the trans woman was taken by surprise. But she quickly regained her composure.
“By all means, sweetie.“ she said and opened the door to the room Franz Josef next to her. “I’m Lisa by the way.”
As soon as they were inside, Mara pulled Lisa’s dress up, dropped to her knees and folded her lips around the glans of the almost completely stiff dick. Steadying herself at Lisa’s hips with her hands, she fucked the dick and let it deep inside her throat. It tasted so good. This was so intense.
Mara didn’t let her tongue do much of the work yet. She didn’t want Lisa to come too soon. Fuck me in the mouth! Fuck me! Then she pulled back and said it out loud.
“Fuck me in the mouth!”
Mara opened up wide and put her hands behind her back, imagining them being tied up. And then, as Lisa grabbed her hair and pushed her dick inside her mouth, a wave of pleasure washed through her.
Lisa moaned louder and louder. Pushed in harder and deeper. And then finally Mara felt the warm cum shoot against her gum. She tensed her thighs and closed her eyes. She wanted to enjoy every fraction of the moment. The sticky cum went down slowly as she swallowed it. And it tasted so wonderful, so right, so pure.
Lisa stepped back and was about to pull down her dress again.
“Wash it down. Piss in my mouth.” Mara said, opening up again.
Lisa’s face brightened.
“Well, you’re quite something, aren’t you, Schatzi?”
Lisa came closer and Mara gently folded her lips around the glans again. There it already came. The warm piss was flowing into Mara’s mouth. Slowly, at first. Mara swallowed and moaned. This was so fucking wonderful. Another swallow. Mara couldn’t resist rubbing her. Then the stream became stronger. Mara spilled a bit but quickly made sure not to waste another drop. Gulp after gulp she swallowed it all, looking up into Lisa’s lustful eyes, rubbing herself to another explosion. She came as Lisa squeezeed the last drops into her mouth. She came with the taste of urine in her throat, imagining Beebee twitching in pain on the bed upstairs, while being choked. She came and sat down on the floor, panting.
“Des woa ur geil!” Lisa said, adjusting her dress, switching to thick Viennese accent. “Gern wieda. Geht aufs Haus.”
“I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.” Mara said, struggling herself into an upright position with her legs feeling like rubber.
“Wos?”
“Nothing, honey.”
Mara kissed Lisa on the cheek and left the room. Back upstairs, she opened the door to room Maria Theresia and saw Beebee still lying on the bed. Tied up, being choked and in visible pain. Wonderful. So right. As Mara came closer, she realized Beebee had serious trouble breathing. Maybe she had tied the satin band too tight. Yes, quite so. The thought of watching Beebee slowly, so very slowly strangle to death on the bed, sent a bolt of excitement through Mara. She rubbed her clit and breasts, as she watched Beebee struggle.
She got on the bed, crawled over Beebee so that her pussy was right over her pretty face, so wonderfully contorted with pain. And then she fucked her face. It felt so intense to rub her pussy over Beebee’s mouth and nose, taking away more air which she so desperately tried to get into her lungs. Choke on my pussy, cunt. And as Beebee did her best to get her tongue in motion and lick Mara, her body convulsed with pleasure. Her hip rocking back and forth, Mara grabbed Beebee at the back of her head and pulled her against her pussy. Choke, my sweet little Beebee! Oh, please, gasp for air! Mara’s body twitched in pure bliss, as she came into Beebee’s face. At the same time, Beebee reared up, no longer able to breath.
Mara collapsed to the side, spent. Beebee inhaled sharply, as much as she could, through the satin band choking her. Only after a long minute, her facial features relaxed into something resembling a satisfied expression.
“Fuck! You’re special, cunt.” Mara said, a moaned whisper.
She turned her head to look Beebee in the eyes. How sweet she was. And how much she was still struggling. Mara gave her a warm smile, stroked her cheeks, let her finger run over her lips.
Then she got off the bed, fetched a cigarette from her jacket and lit it, sitting down on the chair, crossing her legs. Her pussy was still pulsating from the ride. Beebee looked at her. Did she want to be untied? Maybe. Whatever. Mara took a deep drag and exhaled through her nose, running her fingers through her messy hair.
When Mara had finally finished the cigarette, she walked over to Beebee and slowly put it out on her nipple, making her twitch of pain. Wordlessly, and taking her time, Mara put on her clothes. She checked herself in the large mirror and arranged her shirt and jacket properly. Then she lit another cigarette.
“Turn to the side, cunt.” she said and Beebee obeyed.
Mara loosened the satin band tying Beebee’s hands together.
“Turn to me again ... Good. Leave your hands behind your back.” Mara said, fumbling around on her smartphone, “I have set the dildo to shut off in ten minutes. Then, and only then you may remove the ties around your ankles and the choking band around your neck. And then you may remove the dildo from your pussy. But until then ...” Mara took another deep drag, tilted her head to the side and exhaled in a moan, “Until then you’ll enjoy the pain on the highest setting.”
Upon Mara’s thumb pressing down on her phone’s display, the dildo increased to level ten, causing Beebee to convulse with pain.
“And next time, have the dildo ready. Have it already in your pussy. And tell me at what level I shall activate it. And when I’m not satisfied with what I hear, I’ll turn on my heel and walk away.”
Then Mara left Beebee alone with her pain.
As Mara stepped out to the street, the doorman greeted her goodbye.
“Baba.” he said, the vowels so softly stretched, with a tint of unagitated arrogance, as only the Viennese were able to.
What a lovely little story! The right answer to Mara’s last question would be a problem for me, though. If I answered truthfully, saying 10 — not because I desire the pain so much, but because it would end up at the highest level anyway, so why wasting time with slowly increasing it? — if I said 10, for Mara this would be a disappointment, because imagining how I dread the next nevel, how it shows in my eyes, how I struggle to cope while slowly, delightfully, unstoppably, step by step, she increases the pain — not just imagining my dread and my struggle but seeing it, because of course I would do what I can to make the dread and the struggle seem real — this is what she enjoys most, and by saying I want her to start with 10, I would deprive her of that joy. If I said 1, she wouldn’t believe me, and the whole illusion — to the degree that it is an illusion — would collapse. So, giving her room for her little game, I will say 4. Knowing that, when I say “what she enjoys most,” this means what she enjoys most within the boundaries she has set for herself, and which the circumstances in which we meet are setting for her. Does she think that I do not know that the pain dildo is only a poor substitute for what she would really want to do? Does she think I do not see the images in her mind of red hot irons, of wooden sticks, rough and thick and burning, thrust forcefully deep into my vagina? Or does she know that I can see them, does she know that I can see her listening to my unrestrained screams, while I moan a little and we both pretend that her little electric toy is as far as we, as anyone in our position, as anyone with a sane mind, can possibly go? She has never suggested we meet in a different place, under different circumstances, where boundaries would only be set, or not be set, by ourselves … she has never even hinted at such a possibility … but I can feel the desire burning in her … and I ask myself, can she feel mine …?